My addiction is best described by my IOP (intensive outpatient) instructor:

Maladaptive coping skills learned in our childhood

In other words, my addiction stems from ways I learned to cope with life as a child. It’s my opinion that all addicts have this in common.

For me, the disease of addiction can be summarized in one word

Escape

Escape the pain, the fear, the insane thoughts, the fighting and screaming, the crying, the abuse, the torture that was bestowed on me as a child. It’s unsettling how common this is.

It is a core belief that “I can’t” because I’m “too emotional.” It shows up in sexism against women. It shows up as a neurodivergent trait. It came out of the mouths of the people I’ve loved and trusted the most. There’s nothing more infuriating when someone pushes you to your breaking point, then says, “See! I told you that you’re crazy!”

My mom’s voice shows up in my head a lot. “Selfish, spoiled rotten bitch.” And the one she spoke softly, with concern, “You’re just broken. I don’t know what I did wrong.” Narcissistic to her core, she didn’t understand the weight that carried on me until I was 38 years old.

I am grateful that I can see my addiction for what it is. It’s not just the drugs. It’s a desire to escape, to “take the edge off,” to “take a break” from reality.

There are healthy and unhealthy ways to do this. Sex, drugs, drama, food, and social media are bad coping tools. Meditation and/or prayer, self care, journaling, and therapy are some of the healthiest alternatives I’ve found.

The difference is instant gratification. The unhealthy options all offer instant relief, but in reality, it’s just suppressing. It’s just putting a bandaid on a wound without cleaning it. The healthy options are more subtle, take more time, but, like vitamins, over time they become the foundations of mental health, resilience, adaptability, and inner peace.

I choose to take the slow road to a healthier mind. I’ve tried all the “quick fixes,” and each one has ended up hurting myself and others. I’m tired of causing pain. There’s already so much pain in the world; why add to it?

I’m happy to say that on most days, I crave healing more than I crave drugs. When I do crave an escape, I remind myself of all that I just wrote here. All cravings come and go, but my self worth and wellness is linear. I have to keep going. I have to stay clean to live a better life.